"Outlook"

Most of the relations and persons look great if experienced at some distance only. The more you come closer, more you get bitter...Don't know if I am wrong in my perception; I damn care for the people & the surroundings now. What's going on? Nothing!!I am just gaining my Ego back...No more expectations, no more hurt, no more falseness, no more promises, no more emotions, no more empathy...It's me, the Real me...simply 'vipin' who calls a spade a spade. No more drama, no more trauma. I am what I am and I am not at all ready to change my attitude simply to please others. Love me for what I am or get lost outta my life!!!

Whenever you are depressed, confused or hurt, don't worry...Go in front of the mirror and you will find the best person who will solve your problem...Trust Yourself and only Yourself!!!Surprisingly the bestest of the persons leave you when you need them the most. Without a sense of urgency, desire loses its value. It ends up leaving a painful sigh...All glory comes from daring to begin & I am doing the same...

I never saw an ugly thing in my life for let the form of the object be what it may, light or shade; the perception will always make it beautiful. But I did see the ugliness in people's percept polished in a silver lining. There is nothing you can do with others; you cant expect people to be nice just because you are nice. Now I am not nice and so do I expect from the person in front. I am not the one who should be blamed; you made me so dear...I trust only reflections. Though even they change with progress but atleast they are destined to live with you.

When we share laughter,

There's twice the fun;

When we share success,

We've surpassed what we've done.

When we share problems,

There's half the pain;

But when we share tears,

A rainbow follows rain.

This rainbow is not conventional. Its a mix of shades varying from extreme white to extreme black. Eventually if you mix the entire VIBGYOR, you will get a shade only, appealing white to many and dark to others. Try it yourself if you disagree...Colors are thus virtual, the false unjustified impressions. I don't want to be the NEO of MATRIX. But why I am forced to behave like that at times. And that too with friends, or my virtual imaginations probably...I really want to live, Almighty! Am I demanding too much?

Distortion of Theme

2300 hrs dated 10th October 2010: I could not slept the previous night so headed out for a stroll today early in the morning; took some pictures of the surroundings & returned back in an hour in order to prepare for my CFA exam. The colored night was full of sentiments. Its very difficult to persuade life. Believing everybody is dangerous, but believing nobody is more dangerous. However some newly developed attributes like self motivation and self concept really helps a lot in getting outta notorious feelings.

I got invigorated after the stroll & started again my studies. Also was feeling to do some merriment and thus made a 'good-morning' call to an angel. This innocent angel tries to hide her blues but fails as I can sense every beat of her heart. I feel nothing but to kiss her forehead and take her in my arms so that no shadow can touch her. But is she willing to come? I don't think so. Doesn't matter anyways. The appealing thing is otherwise. I really want her to laugh again with her original rabbit smile and am sure enough to experience that moment very soon. God bless you sweetheart!But I have become demanding too. I was always there unspoken, hidden deep inside the memories knowing about my presence from inside; but where you were in my infliction dear? I know I am bad but would I have been left you knowing otherwise! In lyfe you have-to take harsh decisions but intellect is required to be justified; not from your own point of view but considering all considering moments! May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays! I have prayed sincerely, be it Shirdi, or Aamer!

“Safar Per Saath Chala Tha Jo Rehbron Ki Tarah”

“Juda Huwa Woh Bhi Aakhir Musafiron Ki Tarah”

“Main Sochta Hoon Woh Kaise Bichad Gaya Mujhse”

“Jo Dhoop Me Milta Tha Mujhse Badalon Ki Tarah”

But honestly speaking my past experience has taught me a very beautiful thought; When you love someone, draw a circle around their name instead of a heart coz hearts can be broken but circles never end.

"Dil Ibadat...", the alarm tone of my cellphone, started ringing showing me 9:00 then. I cleansed my car after a long interval and drove to my examination center even though I was not supposed to drive. I gave a final reading of whatever I could read and appeared for the exam. I was feeling quite sleepy but managed somehow writing more than 2 hrs. A big achievement for me! After a month I was driving my car by myself & was really feeling like anything, so went alone for a long drive having no destination. The first song started playing at FM 104.8 was 'Hai Junoon'. What a coincidence! I can never forget this song and the surroundings! Many things change the perceptions and thinking. You may be first or last. But 'Change is inevitable'. It depends entirely on you how you enjoy the first position or exploit the last one. A short story is budding in my mind. Lemme share.

"A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone in the bus dies.

They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, ! but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing ..

Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be. The man eventually catches his breath, and says: "Make them all ugly again".

Moral - Don't get disheartened for being last, as you can still change others lives being last."

I came back to my flat at around 1700 hrs. Then talked to Jyoti and Aman on conference. Jyoti reminded me that I was supposed to meet her today after my exam and I forgot. How can I and Why did I? Unfair...I know I am bad! Why I am feeling bad? Coz small things do make a difference. Forgetting my promise made a difference to her. Just remember, no matter how small the deed it really does makes a difference. Again a brief:

"A man was walking down the beach at sunset. As, he walked along, he saw another man in the distance. He noticed this man kept leaning down, picking up something and throwing it out into the water, again and again. As, he approached even closer, he noticed that the man was picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach. He was throwing them back into the water, one by one.

Puzzled, he approached the man and said, "Good Evening. I was wondering what you are doing."

"I'm throwing these starfish back into the ocean. You see, it's low tide and all these starfish have been washed up onto the shore. If, I don't throw them back into the ocean, they'll die up here from lack of oxygen."

"But, there must be thousands of starfish on this beach. You can't possible get to all of them. And, don't you realize this is probably happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down this coast. Can't you see that you can't possibly make a difference?"

The man bent down and picked up yet another starfish, and threw it back into the ocean. With a smile he replied, "Made a difference to that one !!!" "

After doing some more activities like that of rearranging my room and likewise, I went to sleep and got up at 9:00. Then had some refreshments as was feeling hungry. I was also having a plan to call some old mates through voice chat. It was a long tyme since I had talked to. I started with Manu & Shruti & Anchal & Karan & Divya & Aditi & Pooja & Abhi & Mayank & finally Kashi.

And now sitting in front of my intelligent-box writing crap doing nothing. I love transition. I love facets. I love appearance. I love machete.

Know yourself!

Be yourself!

Trust yourself!

Love yourself!

Moment of Peace

Grief seems to span all of the emotions, more than I realized. I have laughed so hard. Found myself crying before my brain can even process the moment. When I talk about that moment she left, I can't describe the physiological emotion I feel inside me. It's like explaining the moment as if my psyche is leaving me. It's the most raw, vulnerable human experience I've ever been a part of having. I will never forget that sensation and feeling. I am changed forever.

I feared it would feel like an ugliness, a sadness that rotted who I was and how I saw the world. And perhaps there might be moments like that popping up along the way. But what I felt most strongly, most irrevocably, is that I need to send myself out into the world to pass on the goodness. That who the girl was, and how much she gave to other people, somehow absorbed into me. That I've seen where we're heading. That finality of the last breath, I felt. I will never be the same.

We were at the store after a few days and I saw two pictures that came in a pair. One said, "Live Every Moment." The other said, "Love Without Words." They were the thesis statements for what I felt, so I bought them even though I don't know where I'll put them. The only words I could say were... Just crying and crying. How intensely I needed to cry, not from fear or sadness, even...but this incredible sense of the power of the moment.

I walked out of the store, with this bewilderment that there were people just standing around talking. Like it was any old moment! Like it was any old day. Couldn't they know about somebody's feelings? That this was perhaps the most significant moment ever? I came home and curled up in the shower, Sanjeet sitting next to me as I talked and cried. I told him I wanted to walk up to people in the supermarket, the playground and say: I wanna shout loudly? When you've seen the most pure side of humanity, death or birth, it simplifies things. All that matters is those persons you love. The persons you'd want in your first or last moments of life. What happens in between is just about making sure that moment is a positive one. That it can be a moment of peace.

Best day of Lyfe

Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever! There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did! And because I did I'm going to celebrate!

Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger. I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart.

I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.

Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile. I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know.

Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care for her and how much she means to me.

Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me. I'll remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine.

And tonight, before I go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures.

As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life, ever!

Amen!