"The Despair"

When she was here my days were bright, she was my source of light. How am I to see now that my light is gone? I had said that I would fight her. How can I fight someone that used to be my light? How can I fight something that blinds me?

I open my eyes

I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light

I can’t remember how

I can’t remember why

I’m lying here tonight

I pulled off my shirt and kicked off my shoes not caring where they landed, after all there was no one here who cared what the room looked like. I collapsed onto the mattress and closed my eyes trying to succumb to sleep. But what invaded my mind wasn’t dreams, it was visions on her, flashbacks of us and times when we used to be happy. Even though they’re just visions in my head, the sight of her makes my heart throb and ache with extreme pain. Pain that I mistook for anger and fury for so long. I found out all too soon that I wasn’t capable of hating you. It isn’t possible. To hate the girl that I had sworn to support and to love more deeply than anyone else, wasn’t possible. The throbbing in my chest, the pain in my heart wasn’t hate, it was the feeling of loss and hopelessness. Sadness and despair is my life when you’re not in it K…,,,.

I know that if I were to open my eyes the pictures of you would go away but the pain won’t. the pain never goes away; it never even fades. All it does it gets worse when I’m alone, and even more-so when I try to sleep. Sleeping is the worst. When I sleep is when you come to me, and make me feel so hallow and hopeless. Why do you make it hurt so much? Why do you want me to be miserable? Why do you torture me so, when all I’ve ever done is, stay by your side and love you? Why? K…,,,, all I want is for you to come back to me so this pain will disappear.

And I can’t stand the pain

And I can’t make it go away

No I can’t stand the pain

I open my eyes and stare out at the blackness that was my room. Maybe it’s really all my fault that you left? Is that it, did you leave because of me? Maybe I didn’t love you enough. Did I make another huge mistake to push you away and make you leave me? I know I’ve made so many mistakes. I should have comforted you more, I should have… I don’t know what I should have done. What did you want me to do K…,,,? What do you want of me now?

How could you run away when you were the one who held my head above the water. You’re the one who kept me from giving up. You were my life and my light. My purpose. Now that you’ve run away I have no purpose, no reason to live. I love you so much K…,,,, and I want nothing more than to have another chance to get your confidence back in me, come back, I accept my mistakes,but i really did mean to hurt you, i did not tell you any problem because i wanted you to be happy.

I sat up on the mattress and sighed. It was a hopeless act to try and sleep. I haven’t had a good night’s worth of sleep since you left. I stood up and walked over to a window. I pushed one of the planks of wood out of the way and stared out at the night sky. Are you sleeping well K…,,,? I hope you are. I hope you’re having the best of dreams.

K…,,, you’re trying to tell me something in my dreams aren’t you? What is it? I’m trying to listen but the throbbing of my heart drowns out your words. Wait if you’re the one who’s running why do you appear in my dreams? Maybe… maybe we’re both running. Or maybe I’m the only one who’s running. Even though I’m not the one moving. I’m not the one who’s physically moving away. Is my just sitting sit and not moving a form of running? But it doesn’t make sense! I just wanted you and I to have some kind of stability in our lives for once. That’s all I wanted. To just settle down and love you. Living out my life here with you would have made me the happiest person in all on this earth. It would have been so contented life.

And so if my mistakes were the reason that you left, I should have gone with you too. I mean didn’t I make a promise that I would rectify my mistakes and become a better person and be there with you and be by your side at all times? What kind of person am I? My mistakes make me want to scream at how stupid I am. How could I let this happen? How could this happen to us? I thought we were so happy.

How could this happen to me

I’ve made my mistakes

I’ve got no where to run

The night goes on

As I’m fading away

I’m sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

I sigh again and slid down the wall. I’m screaming K…,,, can’t you hear me? I screaming for you to come back to me so that we can be happy.

If you don’t came back, I don’t know what will become of me. I’ll probably just stay in this room, being haunted by memories of us and I. I’ll just keep sliding deeper and deeper until I’m swallowed by my nothingness. But there’s something that is hanging onto me, keeping me from fading. I think that something is you K…,,,. It’s as if one of your threads is holding on to me. Refusing to let me fall into oblivion, and I don’t know if I want to cling to that thread or sever it and fall into darkness. Give me back your light that made my life so happy. Or is it something that is buried deep in your unconsciousness? Do you not know that you’re trying to save me? Or maybe it’s a little of both.

Please come back to me K…,,,. Change my life again. I promise if you came back to me I’ll try harder, whatever you want me to do I’ll try to do it better. I’ll make you so happy I promise! I wish we could start over

Everybody’s screaming

I try to make a sound

but no one hears me

I’m slipping off the edge

I’m hanging by a thread

I wanna start this over again

I couldn’t stop anything that happened to you back then, but I’ve honestly given myself to making your life perfect, but again, I couldn’t save you from the pain and the tears that you shed. I couldn’t protect you from the pain and sadness that you felt. I want to change our past completely but I can’t. I can’t erase all the things that I did or didn’t do.

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered

And I can’t explain what happened

And I can’t erasethe things that I’ve done

No I can’t

How could this happen to me

I’ve made my mistakes

I’ve got no where to run

The night goes on

As I’m fading away

I’m sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

I went back over to my mattress and plop down on the soft surface. I hold your photo to my chest and tears prick at my eyes. I want to hold you K…,,,. Not some flimsy paper copy of you. Nothing on this earth can replace the warmth of you, and the feeling that holding you gives me. Nothing will bring that back to me though. I close my eyes trying to stop the tears but it’s no use. They come and so do my soft sobs. My K…,,,, I miss you terribly.

The night is going on but I’m just laying here fading away. I need to get some kind of sleep. I let out another sob then curl up tighter against the cold dark night.

I’ve made my mistakes

I’ve got no where to run

The night goes on

As I’m fading away

I’m sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

K…,,,, you will always be my one true master. And my one true love.

"Budding Dilemma"

Right now here in this boring lecture of Macroeconomics sharp at 1200 hours dated 2nd December 2009, a new bud is emerging in my heart full of conflicting emotions. Probably, an another heart sitting nearby is responsible for generating this new series of waves. This breath-capturing aroma is difficult to word. Why a moment of interaction becomes so divine at times? Can't we hold this for rest of our very lyfe? If yes, how would we define our earlier thoughts then? Aaah...Again a big dilemma!!!

This new budding of relationship may define, direct & alter a new path. The fish, the 'meen' is the most beautiful & cherishing creature of the Almighty who rules the 'deep' dimensions without which the beauty would cease to exist. The eyes, the 'akshi' is the brightest star of this entire universe. Brightest? Yes, it is! Coz it is an eye which makes you seeable the most shining object ranging from extreme black to extreme white. And what to say of if you find a combination of the two in a single person! Is it possible? Yeah...Just 5 minutes back I met with such a heart-catching personality who inspired my psyche to dive into the flowing waves of emotions. I felt like lost in those beauteous but miraculous eyes who took my imaginations beyond limits just like a fish meandering in a sea. That gorgeous 'akshi', the 'meenakshi' is now becoming the magic window to my soul!

This discovery of myself in others would probably lead to recognition of the same one day. What a delightful scenario that would be! This eternal journey would then continue forever. As for now my heart is sinking in the poetry of 'senses'. Every drop of my passion wants to idolize that 'akshi'. A fountain of splendid waves are deriving their essence from the gorgeous. An enduring promise of mine for now and for ever- holding you and will let go never is nourishing deep inside within. What happens next seems to be a million dollar question now. This felicity would definitely result in the 'alikee'. How, left to the destiny!

And again towards the end...
"They say that the eyes are the window to the soul
And if you look into my eyes
You may see heartache, confusion, or pain
Or you may see happiness, excitement, or surprise
But when I look into your eyes
I can see into the soul of the one I love!"

"PRIYAMVADA"

19th October 2009: A day of mixed and thoughtful emotions. I felt almost every feeling ranging from extreme white to extreme black. There was a moment when I was jumping out of joy like anything. On the same day was the time when attention of my mind was searching for a reason to breathe. Probably this diversity defines the life in real fashion and focus your thoughts on the Supreme.

After going through a hectic schedule I was relaxing in a garden when a sparrow wandering here and there arrived close to me and sat down in front of my face. I got delighted by heart and my eyes started to witness every single moment of the bird. Bewildered in her heavenly musical chirping, surrounded by flowers and lying down on the 'green' under the vast cloudy sky; I was feeling as if the Heaven itself has came down to earth to shower its bliss over me. The diamond sparkling eyes of the bird were projecting rainbow towards mine. That 'sweet spoken', that 'priyamvada' surrounded me physically for around two minutes; but was able to withhold my attention for next more than an hour and the episode is destined to live in my psyche for forever. How come just two minutes become the basis to live for rest of the lifetime? An unsolved puzzle as always!

The 'priyamvada' carried away my imaginations in an another garden. It was the garden of thoughts, the garden of feelings with all sorts of shades. Viewing in a bit broader way, Lyfe in itself is a garden. We experience all shades of dimensions at every very moment arraying from flowers to thorns, bright sunshine to heavy rains...Some get blessed with roses, others get destined with cactus...Birds chirp and bring smiles and tears at tymes... Some accompany till end, others depart in between...And the real psyche gets lost in this gigantic 'green' of creatures!

When will we be able to identify and recognize this 'priyamvada' in its true sense? I hope to realize 'my' 'priyamvada'; but apart from that realization, I pray to hold that fragrance eternal. I am sure Almighty would bless me soon.Amen!

And as the sayings say-

Today the world seemed cruel, but evening hours
Were filled with perfume from forgotten flowers.
I saw again familiar filigree
Of moonlight through my Lily tree;
I heard the rabbits stirring in their nest;
And saw the path that fairy feet had pressed;
Reflected stars were in my garden pool;
On my warm face the breeze was kind and cool.
The silence seemed to speak, my head was bowed,
Then ramblers that had grown into a cloud
Lifted my eyes that, tear-washed, now could see
The beauty that today was lost to me.
Dear god, who is so near to flowers, and birds,
Be nearer still, as I shall search for words
To thank Thee for the blessings night revealed,
Which through the day discouragement concealed.

Remembering the Silence

Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you just ran out of words and you go s i l e n t ???

Let me assist you in recalling...

... the moment when you left your home for the first time and you look back at your parents who are worried that their son/daughter are leaving them yet happy that their child took the first step towards independence!

... the moment when the girl/boy you like most.. smiled back at you! You didn't say anything... you just smiled back!

... the moment when you get better marks than you expected... those "numb" moments of ecstasy n surprise "Is that true?"

... the moment when you are parting with your old friend(s) and the train has just started... and you are standing on the door of the wagon... waving "bye-bye" with your heart beating fast!

... the moment after the HR manager has just called you and told you,"You are through! Congrats!"

... the moment when you sit alone in your room after having told everyone that you cleared that exam you prepared for 6 months!!

You can go on remembering your "special" moments! I had always wondered why I never said anything to myself at those moments...as if it was "understood"...happiness, joy, pain.. all feelings just flowed ceaselessly in the 'years' that passed in those flash moments! They say...the best way to communicate is through "silence". Love,Joy,Grief,Surprise,Anger,Hope,Expectations,Support...an endless list!

Can you imagine the importance of a silent moment in a song?? When Bryan Adams stops for a while along with music, before he goes on in his husky voice..."Please forgive me. I can't stop loving you!" Ever had those moments when you thought you were tired enough that you reach for your bed after dinner...but find yourself wide awake looking at the roof of your room silently...

But you sure are 'thinking'... those moments of self-talk are the most important in our lives. Those moments when we listen to our own hearts! Those promises... those decisions... those are the moments when we make our destinies!

Next time you go silent... listen carefully to what your heart is saying... listen to its joy...listen to its pain... listen to its fears... listen to its desires...

Don't make it shut up and go off to sleep...

LISTEN TO THAT VOICE and ACCEPT EVERYTHING IT SAYS!

That voice alone can lead you to the abode of peace that your sleep lacks...peace that awaits you! Be in touch with your true self... be silent once a day, every day !!!!

Dedicated to-Rohit

Swajan-Paran: An Ayushi

Right now at 2300 hours when most of my floormates are swimming in the divine world of dreams, an echo is arising inside my inner self in search of the Paran of beautiful dimensions of lyfe carried out by blessings of the Almighty. The most appealing thing here is probably the Paran! Let me first try to explore the same. Paran is a piece of music without which almost every rhyme is incomplete. This sense of 'unfilled' and 'desired' excites & stimulates the 'Swayam' i.e. the inner self constantly in a continuous fashion to fill that vacant and explores the surroundings to go towards self-actualization. This internal 'Gunjan', this echo makes us feel and behave as humans and not as machines. And what to say of if it becomes gifted and blessed by Deity! Here comes the sparkling aroma of the 'Ayushi', the blessings.

But the million dollar question that is now shooting up its head in my mind is What is my Paran?

For that I have to unwind the inner dimensions of my soul. Let me dive again right now!...

The very first thought that I am feeling inside is that I am still a kid at heart; and so being a kid my Paran should be something delicate having rejoicing characteristics like pureness, innocence, beauty, sweetness of nature and gentleness. What a delightful feeling!Isn't it? Its something like a baby who wants to have a 'gudia' who he considers to be the most imperative in his lyfe. Though that 'gudia' is completely unaware of his feelings but still the kid falls in love with her. Why it happens? Why the kid makes her his God and his Life even if no emotions are being shown by her? Probably because to love is to risk of not being loved in return, to hope is to risk pain, to try is to risk failure, but still the risk must be taken, as, the greatest hazard in lyfe is to risk nothing! Surprisingly, knowingly or unknowingly the kid is aware of this feeling deep inside his heart in different dimensions and so he continues to keep the loving waves flowing out of his heart with no desire of getting anything in return.

Now after knowing about my Paran, the next most appealing thing is Whether I am still required to find my 'gudia' or I am already blessed with one! Well initially seems to be a very difficult question, but when I quickly scan it appears as if I am lucky enough for being already blessed. Touch-wood! Why I am saying this? Is there anything unique with my 'gudia'? Of course Yes! She is the joy of my heart and peace of my soul. She is the sun that chases away my clouds, a bright star that guides me through my fears and uncertainties, a loving anchor in all storms of my lyfe, a comfort of my yesterdays, the magic of my today and the hope of all my tomorrows.

Trin-trin...Trin-trin...The clock arms is showing 2330 hours. Now is the time to put an end to this endless chain of thoughts. But I am delighted as I have identified my real 'Paran'. I just wish that 'gudia' of mine won't be lost and will remain with this kid forever! Amen! Towards the ending, a few words to say:

'I'd like to run away

From You,

But if you didn't come

And find me...

I would die.'

The Eight Lies of Mother

Today at around 1400 hrs, I was trying to reset my messy almirah after going through an extremely hectic fortnight owing to my examinations. I found one cutting of a newspaper heading with the title "The Eight Lies of Mother". It was superb enough to share at this platform. Here it goes:

The story began when I was a child; I was born as a son of a poor family. Even for eating, we often got lack of food. Whenever the time for eating, mother often gave me her portion of rice. While she was removing her rice into my bowl, she would say "Eat this rice, son. I'm not hungry". That was Mother's First Lie.

When I was getting to grow up, the persevering mother gave her spare time for fishing in a river near our house, she hoped that from the fishes she got, she could gave me a little bit nutritious food for my growth. After fishing, she would cook the fishes to be a fresh fish soup, which raised my appetite. While I was eating the soup, mother would sit beside me and eat the rest meat of fish, which was still on the bone of the fish I ate. My heart was touched when I saw it. I then used my chopstick and gave the other fish to her. But she immediately refused it and said "Eat this fish, son. I don't really like fish." That was Mother's Second Lie.

Then, when I was in Junior High School, to fund my study, mother went to an economic enterprise to bring some used-matches boxes that would be stuck in. It gave her some money for covering our needs. As the winter came, I woke up from my sleep and looked at my mother who was still awoke, supported by a little candlelight and within her perseverance she continued the work of sticking some used-matches box. I said, "Mother, go to sleep, it's late, tomorrow morning you still have to go for work." Mother smiled

and said "Go to sleep, dear. I'm not tired." That was Mother's Third Lie .

At the time of final term, mother asked for a leave from her work in order to accompany me. While the daytime was coming and the heat of the sun was starting to shine, the strong and persevering mother waited for me under the heat of the sun's shine for several hours. As the bell rang, which indicated that the final exam had finished, mother immediately welcomed me and poured me a glass of tea that she had prepared before in a cold bottle. The very thick tea was not as thick as my mother's love, which was much thicker. Seeing my mother covering with perspiration, I at once gave her my glass and asked her to drink too. Mother said "Drink, son. I'm not thirsty!". That was Mother's Fourth Lie.

After the death of my father because of illness, my poor mother had to play her role as a single parent. By held on her former job, she had to fund our needs alone. Our family's life was more complicated. No days without sufferance. Seeing our family's condition that was getting worse, there was a nice uncle who lived near my house came to help us, either in a big problem and a small problem.

Our other neighbors who lived next to us saw that our family's life was so unfortunate, they often advised my mother to marry again. But mother, who was stubborn, didn't care to their advice, she said "I don't need love."

That was Mother's Fifth Lie.

After I had finished my study and then got a job, it was the time for my old mother to retire. But she didn't want to; she was sincere to go to the marketplace every morning, just to sell some vegetable for fulfilling her needs. I, who worked in the other city, often sent her some money to help her in fulfilling her needs, but she was stubborn for not accepting the money. She even sent the money back to me. She said "I have enough money."

That was Mother's Sixth Lie.

After graduated from Bachelor Degree, I then continued my study to Master Degree. I took the degree, which was funded by a company through a scholarship program, from a famous University in America. I finally worked in the company. Within a quite high salary, I intended to take my mother to enjoy her life in America. But my lovely mother didn't want to bother her son, she said to me "I'm not used to."

That was Mother's Seventh Lie.

After entering her old age, mother got a flank cancer and had to be hospitalized. I, who lived in miles away and across the ocean, directly went home to visit my dearest mother. She lied down in weakness on her bed after having an operation. Mother, who looked so old, was staring at me in deep yearn. She tried to spread her smile on her face; even it looked so stiff because of the disease she held out. It was clear enough to see how the disease broke my mother's body, thus she looked so weak and thin. I stared at my mother within tears flowing on my face. My heart was hurt, so hurt, seeing my mother on that condition. But mother, with her strength, said "Don't cry, my dear. I'm not in pain."

That was Mother's Eight Lie. And , after saying her eighth lie, my dearest mother closed her eyes forever...

After going through this article I felt How lucky I am for being blessed with my Mom. As my regards just a few words to say:

Mother of mine u gave to me,

All of my lyfe to do as I please,

I owe everything I have to you,

Mother, sweet mother of mine...!

Dedicated to...My Mom...

Awakening Dreams

Dreams lay the foundation stones of human activities. If man had not dreamt of flying like aeroplanes, he could have never invented aeroplanes. The very existence and progress of human race depends entirely on building castles in the air with open eyes and accounting the attempt of achieving the same. Far away there in the sunshine are my aspirations; no matters whether I will reach them or not; but the appealing thing is that I can look up & see their beauty, believe in them and can try to follow them. But Bingo! Here lies a dilemma! Happiness is the voyage, not the destination. There is no better tyme to be happy but NOW, so why I should worried about the fulfilling of my dreams? Why to define benchmarks or dreaming big? Well its only for motivation purpose I guess. Dreamers of the day are the most dangerous personalities as they can turn the sketches into realities. Then why people experience a hell lot of difference between their wishes and veracity? A lack of putting effort in factual world I suppose! It is not because things are difficult that we don't dare, it is because we don't dare that they are difficult. Don't tell your God how big your problems are...tell your problems how big your God is...In difficult moments behave like a duck, keep calm & unruffled on the surface, but keep paddling away like crazy underneath. The dawn doesn't come twice to awaken the man, success is not achieved by contented people. Coming together is a beginning, Keeping together is a progress, And working together is success. To succeed, Be Different, Be Daring, And Be the First. Great heights attract us, but not the steps to them unfortunately. Love & Skill along with directed dreams of open eyes results in a masterpiece...And towards the end just a few more words to say...

Dream what you want to dream;

Go where you want to go;

Be what you want to be,

Bcoz you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do...